The truth is it is easy not to forgive. When I don’t forgive it feels like I have a protective layer against further emotional aggression. When I don’t forgive my anger feels righteous (whether it is or not). When I don’t forgive there is no way to siphon off my anger.
When I forgive someone who has hurt me deeply I kind of resent it. Perhaps that is not forgiveness. I would rather say it is not completed forgiveness. It has taken me a while to understand forgiveness as solely my internal process. Let me break that down:
Solely, mine alone, without any action or reaction on the part of another, mine to wrestle with, mine to resolve, mine to engage without expectation of changed relationship with anyone other than myself.
Internal, the change that forgiveness makes is in me. In me. In me. Forgiving changes my physiology. It changes how I view the world. It reorients me to something greater than myself, a way that my faith calls me to move in the world.
Process, I have come to understand that forgiveness for any unjust or emotionally harmful event is not a one-time thing. Sometimes I have to forgive a person who betrayed or hurt me several times a day. Each time I do, I move toward wholeness. Process is choosing over and over again to be the person my faith calls me to be. Sometimes I resent that I am choosing to forgive, but I choose it anyway. The process requires time and emotional energy to continue to make the choice until it becomes my default response to painful memories, lost dreams, and dashed hopes.
I know I only do this because of my faith. It is easy to hold anger because the anger seduces me into believing I am protecting myself. It is my faith that instructs me to be vulnerable, to change the world by first changing myself. It is my faith that gives me the strength to continue the process of forgiveness because I don’t always gravitate toward forgiveness.
Wow. That’s amazing Connie. What is it about your faith that spurs you to do this?
The ethic of forgiveness that is central to Christianity.
Connie,
I remember John Patton saying that forgiveness is not something we can will ourselves into but something we discover by continued prayers for the person that harmed us, or something close to that
This is so insightful and helpful. It is so hard to remember that forgiveness is one sided. It doesn’t require reconciliation. It doesn’t stem from an apology from the other side. It often has to include the hard work of forgiving myself and letting go of anger at myself (for “allowing” someone to hurt me or do harm to me) in addition to letting go of the anger toward the one who has done the harm. Thank you for reminding us that it is a process, not a feeling or a once for all action. Like love, we chose forgiveness over and over and by that choice, we can be transformed and moved toward wholeness.
Thank you for the wisdom and honesty of this – two of the many qualities I cherish in you and can always count on . A process , a repeated spiral, a call, with grace needed all along the way.