Remember all those jokes that went around that began “This is what people think I do” followed by either glorified or belittling pictures – or both – and then the punch line, “this is what I really do”? Well, that’s kind of what being ‘the first’ is like.
I was the first open lesbian student at Agnes Scott College in the late 70’s and the first open lesbian student at Columbia Theological Seminary in the early 80’s. A few people thought I was a warrior. Believe me, I wanted to be one. If I could have channeled Xena I would have been one happy woman. But I discovered not all warriors are Xena, some are just emboldened believers who are willing to make the grueling march through enemy territory. And the thing is, as a warrior, you really aren’t at your best when you are alone. It really does help to have an army beside you. Being ‘the first’ is lonely. But many saw me as a strong warrior like the woman pictured above.
Then there were the majority who saw me as a destructive force that threatened to shatter institutions and bring down civilization. I am glad to report I did neither of these things. Sometimes I wish I had, but I didn’t. I had no interest in destroying institutions only in changing them and challenging beliefs, privilege, and systems of power. I did that every day, sometimes by my mere presence, but with nowhere near the force or power that some assumed I possessed. 
What I really did was show up every day and try to be my best, most authentic self. I didn’t always succeed, but mostly. Being the first means you probably won’t get where you want to go. It means you are plowing the field for someone else to sow and harvest. It means clearing a way so that those who you follow will be able to push even farther into the uncharted territory. Being the first is lonely and sometimes forgotten work.
That doesn’t mean it is not important work. It has taken me decades to realize that being the first was enough for me and right for the time. It was a challenge I accepted and a grace I assumed. But really, being the first looks much more like this than what others imagined:
The really cool thing is that now I am telling the story of what it was like to be ‘the first’ from my perspective. My memoir, A Gracious Heresy: the Queer Calling of an Unlikely Prophet, is coming out soon. Stay tuned.
As a “one of many” I am ever thankful for all those who went first. I am just average but have been made to feel a rebel just for being so in opposition to the current and very bizarre “normal”.
Wage kindness but carry a big vote.
Connie – this is beautiful – ever grateful for your courage and faith and persistence – as well as your creativity, humor and love
Thank you constant friend.
I too know the lonely experience of being first – the first woman vp of a hospital in the city I once lived in, the first woman in the pulpit of a particular church. I remember once saying “It is really hard to carve the path and walk it at the same time.”
It’s so exciting that your book is coming out soon!
Sooooo well put: “It’s really hard to carve the path and walk it at the same time.”